The Onion: Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

From the Onion:

Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

“Our very way of life is under siege,” said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. “It’s time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are.”

Unfortunately, too many Federalist Society members get lumped in with Pretenders like this satirical guy. Radio hosts and T.V. Personalities know little about the Constitution, and only invoke it when it enables Conservative policies. Yet, they ignore it whenever the Constitution places limits on Conservative agendas. The ObamaCare is only Constitutional if the War on Drugs is Constitutional. Conservatives reject the former, but like the latter. Consistency?

Accordingly, ahem, Mark Levin was definitely not the right speaker for the Federalist Society Convention, Ahem.

But, the Onion pokes fun at the Left as well:

“Dad’s great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head,” said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. “He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn’t even know that it guarantees universal health care.”

Though, I suppose a key difference, is that many progressive Constitutional scholars do in fact view the Constitution as guaranteeing Universal Health Care. See my work on the Constitution in 2020.



One Response to “The Onion: Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be”

  1. troll_dc2 Says:

    I know people who seem to think that the Constitution consists of the Second Amendment and a few other provisions that they are not familiar with. They talk about “constitutional rights,” but when you ask them, they cannot explain any of them. They just “know” what is right and wrong.

    The Onion got it right.

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